Spider

Today 8/1/2012

Today you are a different person with a love for buddha that has healed that broken place he left behind. You're on the right path Spider, just watch your feet, you know you like walking on those red hot coals for far too long. Rememeber you are fire, born in the year of the dragon. Now live up to it!
~you
Spider

Been a while huh

So it's been like, over a month since I've even really looked at Live journal. I am not exactly sure how I did it either! Anyway, for those of you wondering... I am fine, but hey have I missed anything drastic besides Dir en Grey's new video clip?
  • Current Mood
    cranky cranky
Beautiful blood Kyo by cheeky_seeky

My review of the Boston, MA Family Values show (AKA Dir en Grey)

I sat here for nearly 30 minutes before I could think of a way to start this review. I didn't want to tell you guys reading this the things I saw, because really how many reviews have we read that was a step by step program of their particular show? A lot, though we do adore being there with the fans during their reviews.. So I wanted to instead bring you on the emotional ride rather than the visual ride. So if you will take a few minutes to peek into the heart of a Dir en Grey fan.

Now, if you -went- to the Boston Family Values show you more than likely saw me and commented or viewed me from a far, but I was the woman in a full kimono. The collar was white, the obi was black and white and the robe itself was a white satin covered in a smokey grey/silver chiffon. I also had a rather large white satin sign that I held up during the show that just said in black writing Dir en Grey, over to the right of the stage (Die's side) under the big monitor. For those of you who commented positively thank you, I spent a lot of time making and personally (as uncomfortable as it was in the day time hours) I think it came out gorgeous.

NOW! For the part you've been reading for. Dir en Grey.
GDS started pumping out the speakers (that were so close I could SMELL the music) and I roared to life with a scream that had not come from my lips since.. well probably never. I saw Shinya make a quick lap of the stage and my heart started to pump out of control. I actually had to take a few seconds to calm down and remember to REMEMBER what I was seeing. They each came out one at a time, I screamed for each, but as soon as Kyo hit the stage I lost it and screamed myself into this horse sounds that is still coming out as I speak today that reminds me of two large rocks having wild monkey sex. It's bad, but BOY was it worth it. A dream, was it a dream? God no, this was real...! Kyo started to sing/scream and my body fell into this rhythmic copulation of head banging and stilled awe. I tried as often as I could to wave the sign I had nice and high to let our five boys know OMG ::SPAZ:: WE LOVE YOU IN BOSTON::SPAZ!!!:: or you know, that I liked them a lot. If I was seeing things right from 20 rows back Die saw the sign within two seconds of Kaoru looking up towards my direction and smiling... oh did I mention I got a nod from Die and a TINY little flash of that ever charming smile. I couldn't tell if Toshiya saw the sign, if he did he didn't show it, and as for Kyo, he stared right at it for a second.... or at least in the general direction. Hey guys, I tell you know it was real and I know, but still I can't help thinking how good of a dream it was lol!

I listened and watch, I felt and sang, I cursed and shuddered right along with the tempo and absolute craziness that I was both fearing and riding the wave of. I am not going to sit here and try to tell you what songs I heard, we've all seen the basic line up and they repeated exactly that. The bucket full of ice was brought out and dumped, what it said I have no idea, I didn't watch the stupid bucket I was watching the insane head it was on lol!...But I was screaming stuff like "Love the Bucket LOVE IT" and "Bucket love!" So if you heard that, you were probably seated near me and thought the same thing everyone else around me did "Shut the hell up you crazy bitch"...anyway. The blood was wretched out of his mouth, fake or whatever it was still a heart stilling sight to see. The safety pin was ripped out and etched into his skin, just a little flint of real blood mixed in with whatever it was that came out of his mouth. Kyo got bloody. We've all heard, but I tell you my heart stopped for a moment. I was standing there completely still and silent for a few long moment just watching. I wasn't scared, or turned on, or even wondering why he self mutilates, it was just watching someone feel what they were singing so much that the only way to show how much they are feeling the energy was to hurt and to bleed. Details begin to sink into one another after that because I was so high on just seeing that and living in that moment and loving it. I remember when they started to walk off stage, so suddenly, it caught me off guard and I was slapped back into reality. All I could think was, please more...MORE, but as they say; All good things must come to an end... but they also say it ain't over till the fat lady sings..

MEET AND GREET; First off, I FUCKING MET KYO! I've been saying that all day, half way to remind everyone in my house that I had the time of my life at this show, and that HELLO I MET KYO! Now that was really REALLY too short. I was standing in line, checking my makeup after sweating my butt off jamming to DeG, chitchatting with a few people.... Feeling my age around titters of "loving Kyo" and "Oh I want to tell him I want to have his babies!" because really I just wanted to say "Hello" to the man. Of course I'd love to get a chance to tell him how much he and the bands music has effected me over the years, but who the hell cares about that crap? Hell, I barely care LOL!... But alas all I got was; me walking up, handing him the sign I waved around during the show, and a poem I wrote about him (that shall follow after the review) shaking his hand really quick, exchanging bows and me trying my best to utter out "Kaydi desu, dozo Yoroshiku" (I do not know if that is spelled out right, I've never seen it typed, just heard it spoken) before I was whisked away from the man I wanted to stuff inside of my kimono sleeve. However on the upside when I actually said it was nice to meet him, I got the BIGGEST (crookedest) smile from him. My job was done. YAY ME I got a big smile. After that my meet and greet bracelet was cut from my wrist and I stood outside of the yellow tape watching and seeing if I could rustle up the courage to say "Ano raibu wa sugoi datta" which I think/hope means "That was a f_ching awesome show." However that was cut drastically short by a few obnoxious, pushy, and all around idiotic people who questioned the "No pictures" rule too much for the staff and because I was near those fools I too was told to get away from the tape. That pissed me off more than the small amount of fangirlism I picked up on. When someone tells you not to jump off the building because you REALLY cannot fly, you don't keep questioning them why you can't fly. YOU DON'T HAVE WINGS YOU NUMB NUTS. It should have been enough to just have said "You can't take pictures." To push it further than that is just rude.

And thus the end of my Dir en Grey experience ends on a somewhat somber note, but with memories that will last for...well a very long time.

For the love of whatever god you may or may not believe in do NOT let this review cause any hard feelings. Don't waste your time feeling bad feelings towards someone who just shared THEIR OWN PERSONAL reaction because honestly it is just wasting time on silly things. Now go listen to some DeG and smile at their greatness.


The poem I gave to Kyo

To Kyo
With Love


Little boy I knew you
as you skipped outside
bathing in the rich rays of the sun
laughing playing and falling
a scraped knee
a little blood
and you just smiled that lurid smile

Little boy I knew you
as you were broken through and through
sobbing in the twilight rains
withering against the cold night arms
a splash of crimson and you laughed
pain riddling through your flesh
and a placid whimper of lost pleasure
gone

Little boy I loved you
as you crawled away on all fours
begging and pleading for it to just be over
Your broken bloody body heaved onto the cold wet floor
shuddering against death
you'd just laugh that lyrical laugh
A broken nightingale
screaming of the wrongs against him
portraying it all
to the millions of screaming
infatuated
addicted
....
fans.

To Kyo
with love
~a fan


Thanks for taking the time to read this.
  • Current Music
    Baby Mammoth - Smoke
Beautiful blood Kyo by cheeky_seeky

no names please

10PM tick tock tick tock
Passing losing stumbling along my way
"My way"
Like I'd know that if I tripped over it and it knocked me up.
It's just a little confusing
Wrapped so tightly in this suffocating flesh
Now this is torture
There is no whip that could match the lash of heart break
There is no rope that could cut as deeply as his words
There is no blade that could slash at my flesh as harshly as his lies
I know this pain
I know what it is to bleed for a dream
I know what it's like to cry so hard you really do think you're going to die
and still I know a pain beyond.

Liquid clouds washing me clean
just for me to breathe
and once more I am defiled

This very flesh that grips to me
heavily scarred in his name
basted and burnt to near perfect death
Is the very thing that keeps me trapped here

Screaming for a single chance to shed this ghastly garb of deceit
and fly.
  • Current Music
    India Arie - Ready For Love
Uruha Lick My Wounds by wilhelmina111

Another wasted dream...he'll never go away

I dream of you still
sickeningly sweet visions
tearing their way into my mind
Against my walls you struck

Thunder and lightening slashing across my already wounded surface

Passing before a pale light flickered
Faded promises melting in the sands before my eyes
Magma pressed to my lips
as ashes saunter in the nights feeble breeze

Forgetting all that I was and all that I ever wanted to be

Wasted dreams on our past
Passing sands caught in the waters edge
reminding me once again
You will always be there, haunting me for eternity...
and I fucking hate you for that.
  • Current Music
    Michael Whalen - Tantric
Uruha Lick My Wounds by wilhelmina111

back surgery and a heat index of 115

So I had a rather large cyst removed from my lower back on Monday morning. I got it done at the doctors office...the cyst which wasn't a cyst until they cut me open, they really had no clue what it was.... A part of me (the sickest part that relates to Kyo when he pukes) wanted it to be some parasite from some third world country. Course the rational nonloving puke side of me was kind of pissed when the doctor said it was like an iceberg. The small little nickle size bump I had on my back went down over an inch deep and ended up to be half the size of my FUCKING FIST! Oh yeah did I mention during this procedure I found out I was basically immune to the effects of Novocain. You know that drug they use to NUMB YOU BEFORE THEY CUT YOU OPEN!?!?!?!?! Yeah that one. So, yes folks I felt it all. It hurt like ass fucking a red-hot fire poker... in other words OW MOTHERFUCKER. The doctor said it should have been done in the hospital with something OTHER than Novocain. Anyway that is all said and done. I'm in shit loads of pain, I have ten stitches inside and five on the outside. Doesn't look half as bad as it felt lemme tell you. Oh hey while you're reading this and know I live near Boston Mass... It's going to be 101 degrees tomorrow with a heat index of 115+. This makes me want to cry along with back pain.
  • Current Mood
    sore sore
Kyo close by usadari

Tired of disposability

With my status of hate I defied you
mentally wrapped around your broken promises
Abandoned in the hope that I was strong enough
to let go
to say good-bye
to forget all that you were
and all that you never will be

Amongst the ire
I resisted you
but beneath the fists balled tight enough
to draw blood
Were the softest touches of silk
bathed in a deluge of butterfly kisses

Words encapsulated in your breath
told of gay tales
and magical moments
As a child I listened
I gazed to you as a guide
A hand to follow through the maze that is
love.
I relied upon you
to hold me from falling
from saying farewell
and all I ever asked
The Truth.

Turned upon
A stave through my very soul
lifting me up as a prized kill
A toy to string up
and dawdle with as if I were a mere puppet.
Don't I have a say in this
invisible love
Do I get no word on fate?
Am I to follow through on this path of pain and void
Am I to suffer in your memory for always?
For always....
the truth of a broken promise coursing through me
poisoning my last fiber of being

Decaying again in your arms of fantasy
I weep dusting tears
and fall victim to this humanity
as I fade away into oblivion.
  • Current Music
    Staind - Falling
You're pretty when you're mine

Goodnight.... goodnight

To say goodnight
goodnight
A whispered fairy tale of dreams to never come true
goodnight
good-bye
Endless rapture of spoken truths
lost on your breath my love
goodnight
The blues that carry you to and fro
a wave lapping at my innards tearing me to shreds
goodnight
Farewell my heart withering away in the dessert sun
Blistering my skin and burning my eyes
I beg and plead for your oasis again
goodnight
goodnight
  • Current Mood
    sad sad
Kyo close by usadari

Beautiful flying machine

So I was out walking my dog (five times a day everyday!) and I saw the most beautiful dragonfly I have ever seen. There are a lot of them around where I am because there are many many small bodies of water and one very large body of water less than a quater of a mile away from me. So yes I've seen quite the array of dragonfly colors from brilliant reds to deep purples, but never have I seen one like this. Its thorax was this bright white, while it's wings were a deep brown almost black, and it had bright green eyes. I wanted to get closer. I wanted it to land on my hand like so many other have, but I was with my dog and he is stupid and looks at flying bugs as little, hard to get, munchies. So I did NOT want to get too close just to have my dog kill it, but still I will not deny that for a moment I was hypnotized by it's almost erratic movements in flight and the swish of such contrasting colors. I guess it is the little things in this world that keep me believing in true beauty. The kind of awe inspiring beauty that only the hands of mother nature could construct. What a beautiful flying machine.
  • Current Music
    Yoko Kanno - Inner Universe (Ghost in the shell)